The Agony Antagonist

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

YALE’S so vain, he probably thinks this post is about him

Dan Savage is at it again, I’m afraid. Yes, this is my Dan Savage I’m talking about, the one whose sex-advice column, Savage Love, I’ve been reading (on and off—what? I haven’t always lived in a city that carries it) for all, or most, of my adult life. And when I say “at it again,” I mean more of this crap, where he’s kinda falling down on the job of giving actual, helpful, unbiased advise to the people who write in. Oh, Dan, Dan, Dan! If we can’t trust you to give us the straight poop, then there is no hope.

In the latest column (May 31, 2007), Yearning And Looking Eagerly writes Dan to say that, although he’s a student at an elite university (oooh, which elite university does YALE attend, I wonder? Is it Harvard? Brown? Northwestern? I suppose we’ll never know …), 20 years old, bi, and very attractive, he still never gets laid. In order to convince Dan of his supreme attractiveness, he sends photos—photos that Dan has so kindly linked to from his article. Oh, let’s just get this over with, shall we? For the love of god, here YALE is, in all his “attractive” glory.

Um, so yeah. For the record, this author was not impressed.

What’s weird, though, is this: Dan not only doesn’t call YALE out on being a conceited (and unrightfully so, in my opinion) bastard, but instead slavers him with love and praise and admiration. “Yes, YALE, you're a very attractive dude—to an intimidating degree,” Dan writes. “People also assume that folks in your league do the picking.” What league is that, Dan? The League of Douchebag Nations? The National Fugly League? Please do tell, so that I might avoid conventions of said league at all cost.

The truth is that YALE is—while not, perhaps, conventionally ugly—not for everyone, despite his inclusionist sexual proclivities. Moreover, he says (or writes) things like, “I am a very attractive dude,” and brags about his “bubble butt.” He sends half-naked photos of himself (what is he doing, anyway? kissing his bicep?) to sex-advice columnists, and allows them to be posted to said columnist’s internationally viewed website. He is a braggart, a fool, and a self-deluded jerk. I realize that he’s not complaining that he can’t find the woman/man of his dreams for a mutually fulfilling long-term relationship, but come on! Given what we’ve learned of him in the space of nine sentences, I wouldn’t want to sit next to him on the bus for three blocks, let alone let him “pound my ass” with his “boned-up cock.” One imagines that he’d spend the entire time checking his reflection out in shiny surfaces anyway, despite his non-contention that he’s not an egotistical bastard. (What he says, actually, is “Do people assume I’m an egotistical bastard because of my looks?” To which I reply, No, they assume you’re an egotistical bastard because you’re an egotistical bastard.) Eww. In fact, I’m going to have to take a Monopolowa break to vodka that ass-pounding image out of my mind.

So now, in addition to fueling YALE’s love affair with himself by confirming that he is, indeed, quite the handsome stud, Dan’s gone and unleashed YALE’s photos on the world, further feeding the douchebag’s ego. One just knows he’s thinking, “Now everyone can admire me! And all those horny gals and gay men can see what they’ve been missing out on!” And I’m sure a few people—like Dan—will think he’s hot. After all, I think we’ve all made the mistake of confusing douchebaggery with awesomeness, at least once in our lives.



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